You begin to forget what it means to live. You forget things. You forget that you used to feel all right. You forget what it means to feel all right because you feel like shit all the time, and you can’t remember what it was like before.
i kind of wish they had told us as kids “it’s highly unlikely you’ll amount to anything so maybe just try lowering your expectations or something”. if i’d never believed i could have i wouldn’t be so disappointed i can’t. if my mind wasn’t so full of expectation perhaps it wouldn’t constantly be running away with all the ideas of the things i could do, places to go, i could actually remain present enough to do anything at all.
i wanna drop out of school. every time i think about getting up and going to school i get so anxious, the idea of finishing seems impossible let alone finding employment after that doesn’t make me insane. sometimes i wish i could just be a housewife and a waitress and just make pies all day or something stupid. i don’t want to think about the future or a career or “what im doing with my life” i have no idea. how am i supposed to “get my life together” when i don’t even know what that would look like. i just want to quit school get a second job and take online courses or something. fuck.